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(no subject)
It's been so long since my last real post. And I think the last real post still applies, but perhaps not as much?
どんな時でも笑える。That's the kind of person I want to become. Will become. Already becoming.
Shared my thoughts with a twin of mine. I wonder if this emptiness is a product of our times. We are so far from what makes us. I can see why faith is popular. It fills you up. It can make you whole. To cling on to a belief, that too is a kind of strength.
Reading the Watch trilogy gave me a deeper insight into the whole concept of psychic emptiness. An empty vessel makes the most noise. To be able to take more in, the more empty one has to be.
There are some people I have seen who are absolutely overflowing with a sense of self. A sense of being. Who they are is so clearly written on every single inch of them. I glance at them, and they etch themselves indelibly into my mind. Everything they are, what they would be motivated to do, the things they are capable of. Nothing surprises me much. Even if I had not thought of it, when it happens, it all fits into the framework.
人を人形にするな！って言いたいけど、もう玩具のように扱いするのは慣れたし。
I wonder what a person who is an Absolute Zero be like. I know I am far from being completely empty. Because I can still smile. I like to live easily. I'm a dreamer. I am like those from the Tain, caught in the mirror world, grotesquely mimicking the actions of those opposite me. It is not perfect. I am not perfect. I am only human.
But this emptiness within me remains. It aches to be filled, but it devours faster than it can absorb. Always hungry, in more than one sense. It used to hurt, this emptiness, until I came to the realization that it is more indelibly a part of me than anything else.
If you cannot repudiate it, then embrace it. Making my peace with it freed me from the pain.
Instead of being angry over how nothing is ever enough, it is enough to know that this burning desire is something that needs to be salved. Set yourself a threshold. Seize onto life and devour what you can.
I can never be alone. I must never allow myself to be completely isolated. That way leads to madness and death.
If I had only learned that earlier, I would have spared myself so much pain. But without going through all that, I suppose I might not have understood in the first place. Learning the hard way is a bad way to learn, but it's better than not learning at all.
I need people. I crave the closeness, the companionship. The laughter. I will take in all that they are, feed on everything I can get. Scraps or whole steaks, it doesn't matter. I want. I need. I crave.
But I will not beg. I will not be clingy or needy. That's when my emptiness becomes...useful. An imperfect mirror still reflects. I am what others need me to be. In return I get what I need from them. A psychic vampire of sorts. That's what I am.
I do not give nothing in return. I truly care. I truly give. In return, I absorb the dreams, hopes and fears of everyone I encounter. What you so carelessly give away, I cherish like drops of water in a desert. If you do not give of yourself, then I will find no reason to give of myself. I will not chase a mirage.
Even the formless can choose by whom they wish to be shaped. I won't let anyone lock me down into one form. Never again. If I must be mercurial, then I must be everything it implies.
Am I a liar? Not particularly. If there is no truth, then what is there to lie about? You can't have one without the other.
No one's home. But I never said anyone was.
勝手に思うのはお前だけだ。
どんな時でも笑える。That's the kind of person I want to become. Will become. Already becoming.
Shared my thoughts with a twin of mine. I wonder if this emptiness is a product of our times. We are so far from what makes us. I can see why faith is popular. It fills you up. It can make you whole. To cling on to a belief, that too is a kind of strength.
Reading the Watch trilogy gave me a deeper insight into the whole concept of psychic emptiness. An empty vessel makes the most noise. To be able to take more in, the more empty one has to be.
There are some people I have seen who are absolutely overflowing with a sense of self. A sense of being. Who they are is so clearly written on every single inch of them. I glance at them, and they etch themselves indelibly into my mind. Everything they are, what they would be motivated to do, the things they are capable of. Nothing surprises me much. Even if I had not thought of it, when it happens, it all fits into the framework.
人を人形にするな！って言いたいけど、もう玩具のように扱いするのは慣れたし。
I wonder what a person who is an Absolute Zero be like. I know I am far from being completely empty. Because I can still smile. I like to live easily. I'm a dreamer. I am like those from the Tain, caught in the mirror world, grotesquely mimicking the actions of those opposite me. It is not perfect. I am not perfect. I am only human.
But this emptiness within me remains. It aches to be filled, but it devours faster than it can absorb. Always hungry, in more than one sense. It used to hurt, this emptiness, until I came to the realization that it is more indelibly a part of me than anything else.
If you cannot repudiate it, then embrace it. Making my peace with it freed me from the pain.
Instead of being angry over how nothing is ever enough, it is enough to know that this burning desire is something that needs to be salved. Set yourself a threshold. Seize onto life and devour what you can.
I can never be alone. I must never allow myself to be completely isolated. That way leads to madness and death.
If I had only learned that earlier, I would have spared myself so much pain. But without going through all that, I suppose I might not have understood in the first place. Learning the hard way is a bad way to learn, but it's better than not learning at all.
I need people. I crave the closeness, the companionship. The laughter. I will take in all that they are, feed on everything I can get. Scraps or whole steaks, it doesn't matter. I want. I need. I crave.
But I will not beg. I will not be clingy or needy. That's when my emptiness becomes...useful. An imperfect mirror still reflects. I am what others need me to be. In return I get what I need from them. A psychic vampire of sorts. That's what I am.
I do not give nothing in return. I truly care. I truly give. In return, I absorb the dreams, hopes and fears of everyone I encounter. What you so carelessly give away, I cherish like drops of water in a desert. If you do not give of yourself, then I will find no reason to give of myself. I will not chase a mirage.
Even the formless can choose by whom they wish to be shaped. I won't let anyone lock me down into one form. Never again. If I must be mercurial, then I must be everything it implies.
Am I a liar? Not particularly. If there is no truth, then what is there to lie about? You can't have one without the other.
No one's home. But I never said anyone was.
勝手に思うのはお前だけだ。
